museboxingring | /dumps self-indulgent arpee all over this comm

/dumps self-indulgent arpee all over this comm

Does he like music?

It was a thing she had wondered as she had her face nearly pressed up against the panel of glass of the department store. On the other side, a violin fashioned of European maple and spruce, intricate scrolling filigree designs along its upper and lower bouts, and a proper pike-head bow strung up along with it. The instrument itself was not foreign to her, but it was something that the very sight brought along nostalgia.

It had been a while since she'd arrived from Magvel, and still her heart felt heavy. But Connor had certainly helped with that, while adding some weight of his own. The kind of weight that sat right upon her heart and reminded her precisely of where she stood in relation to him. And how, with each day, that seemed to matter less and less.

"I should like very much to play for him sometime," she murmured to idle air in a single breath.

Reluctantly she pried herself away and straightening out her tunic, Eirika looked about. It had been her sincerest intent to meet with him. Any company of his would do and she was hardly particular, but she'd hoped to put some professionalism aside. None of the Native and the Princess, but rather simply man and woman.

So as she made her way - and likely tardy - to their deemed meeting place (a blooming tree of little renown), her steps held her with bated breath and a silent anticipation that could only be described in books as prickling and numb.

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She had anticipated for him to turn her down, actually. So when he didn't, which was how she interpreted it, she hesitated minutely. And then the features in her face softened and she wore something of a reserved smile.

"Back in the town," Eirika replied as she turned just enough and swept an arm back indicatively. "I will revisit later. I think I would rather like it and Renais' convoy treasury seems to be doing very little good remaining stationary. I will ensure that you benefit from it, as well."

She moved to lace her hands together and then she paused minutely. Instead, after a moment's thought, she offered her right hand over to him. For him to take, or to give her his. Either way, hand-holding was something she wanted to do, without asking him to do it. If he'd allow it. So she waited patiently, not expectantly, but rather curious.

"I was thinking of the lake," she said to him gently. "I think you like it there."

Connor wasn't looking at the hand for a few seconds. He wasn't paying any real attention to it at all.

Honestly, Connor was in an inner sanctum within himself. And he would meet an inner Connor that told him to not think. Just do.

Basically, the inner Connor was telling him...maybe for this moment he could just. Not be himself, entirely. That was harder to do then it looked. He was looking for more words. He focused only on his words.

Which would mean maybe he unconsciously saw Eirika's hand...and maybe unconsciously took out his to let Eirika do what she wanted with it. You caught the Native off his guard. It was down, his defenses, feel proud.

"I do find myself here often," he said. "It is quiet. Spacious. I feel more in my element here. I can think. Other than that, I do patrol these parts."

Edited 2013-07-13 04:10 (UTC)

She seemed a little appreciative of his reaction, that he was willing to be open with her. At least a little. And she knew she was pushing it, so there was no need to have him extend himself so far. A glance around and when she was positive it was only the two of them, Eirika took his hand into hers. A perfectly innocent gesture.

With a little unspoken affection, because it was the only way she could express it. She wanted to be as Connor was. Fewer words and more action. And she hoped he'd eventually understand that. It was her own form of compromise, considering she was the woman with the silver tongue.

"Yes," she agreed. "That sounds like you, Connor. A man who enjoys his quiet, his... space, and his ability to think. If you think so much, however, I'd hope you didn't over think. Some time, I hope you will share some of your thoughts with me."

He didn't have to, but she would have liked for him to.

Connor looked down at his hand, now really realizing what he just did. He looked at the hand holding it. It was held gently, innocently, Connor couldn't help but stare. But he didn't move it. He didn't even tense up. So weird. Connor swallowed and felt his face grow slightly warm.

When she spoke, he was knocked out of that train of thought.

He didn't...always enjoy stewing in his thoughts. The thoughts weren't always pleasant. We aren't going there. He didn't want to.

"Sometimes they are not so extravagant, nor taxing. At times, I find myself wondering about my days here. Or what I should be doing in the future."

Edited 2013-07-13 16:13 (UTC)

How coincidental. Eirika spent a lot of her time thinking about things like that. Thinking about Magvel. Thinking about Seth and the other knights. Thinking about her brother. Thinking about Valter.

Eirika did more thinking than resting and she was well aware of it, but rest often seemed positively impossible.

Her stride was slow and casual. The lake was where he was comfortable and that was where they would go. She didn't seem to mind the place herself, and perhaps it means she could have some form of peace, because her insides were far from serene.

"What do you want to do in the future?" she asked him curiously, tilted head and all.

Connor followed her stride. Almost as if she were leading him. He always had a powerful walk, but this was supposed to be relaxing. Eirika was meant to help with that.

Even when the lake came into view, thoughts came up. The rippling of the waters as dragonflies grazed the surface made him think about his own time period. Of the homestead. The serenity. The kind faces of the people there. But despite that, the loneliness of the manor. The empty manor...What kind of future did he have? Was she asking about himself as in his future? His and no-one elses'?

"I cannot say," Connor softly said as his eyes were focused on that lake. "The slate is not blank, I know it is not; yet it seems so. I have not thought about how I want my life to be years later but my work...is never done."

Listening to him often was like how she imagined she must have sounded. Like him, she always had something to attend to. Not in the academy, naturally. Not as much as she'd wanted herself to be occupied. But back in Magvel, and if Renais could be restored as Innes's Magvel held, then every day would be quite the busy one for her. Never a moment's peace, except when she slyly sneaked away from her responsibilities.

Weaving her fingers between his, she held his hand with a great reverence, attentive and thoughtful of her own right.

"I wish I could help you," she found herself speaking. "You carry so much burden on your own shoulders. Would that you'd allow me to, I could alleviate some of it." As if a reminder that she had yet to leave his side in that proverbial fashion. If they lived in a world of inconsistencies, she could be something that was consistent, an ideal likely foreign to him.

He couldn't let her do that.

He shouldn't.

His burdens were his, and no one elses'. The future of his people. The freedom of the people. He always thought those were his responsibility. But yet.

She wanted to relieve some of it. Take some of the heavy weight off. She wanted...to be by his side like that? She held his hand with conviction. It really was telling him that she wanted to really help him. Truly.

...

Connor's hand wrapped a little around Eirika's as well in response, once again allowing a little of those defenses down and trying to not show any signs of recoil. He looked at Eirika then, hand still gripped onto hers.

He looked at her as if saying, I care about you.

"I wonder if that is the right decision. My burdens are mine alone, I could not allow such things to harm those who I have grown to care about. I would not ask such a thing...out of anyone."

"You would not be asking it of me."

A very blatant and direct way for her to reject his modesty. Connor's stubborn demeanour and his very ambition were traits that Eirika respected and admired. Was it because she saw herself in them? She couldn't say for sure, but there was no denying the similarities they shared. Their ideals on life - especially for innocents. Their love for freedom and prosperity for those they cared for.

The look he gave to her did render a pause as if she... oddly seemed to get what he was saying with a simple gaze. She wanted to blush. Almost did. And she wasn't sure why she didn't.

"I wish your burdens to also be mine, Ratonhaké:ton, that we may face these together," she clarified for him, her tone careful and articulate around his given name.

I feel as if I have earned this right. Do not shut me out so easily.

Connor's eyes opened a little bit wider. Especially once she uttered his native name. She said it with even more certainty than before, and as much conviction as her gestures were a few moments ago, as if she warmed herself to that name.

Like it should mean something because she said it.

Because he trusted her with that name.

She really wanted to be a part of his life.

Those three phrases stood in his mind and made him look even harder at Eirika. For a moment, then the eyes grew very soft.

Dealing with burdens together. What a...concept. Connor just.

He didn't know how to handle it at all, open up everything and let this woman in his life. His feelings were not...This was.

It was then he finally spoke, softly as ever. "...Eirika, I..."

He nearly clammed.

"...I wish I knew how to-"

He clammed. Help. Someone help.

It was the closest she'd ever really seen him get to opening himself up to her. At least beyond what she'd already pried in with. What was he about to say, though? Her heart hung onto the words he gave her and she forgot the rest of the world, undeniably disappointed when he so conveniently closed up.

And she knew not to be aggravated by it. But she was anyway.

Looking aside, she conceded for his benefit, somewhat bitter by the situation. To get so far only to find herself in the same position she began in. And angry with herself for trying to get anything more out of him. It still wasn't her place. She couldn't claim to be more to him than a friend. If she had been family or perhaps if she had a greater stake of claim in his life, she could have pushed for more.

"I apologise," Eirika replied as she shook her head. "That was out of line for me."

...No. No.

Had he done it again? Had he done specifically what he told himself not to do?

He merely just didn't know at that point. What to say. What to do.

He thought he understood. He really didn't.

He was. Pathetic.

If he thought he could handle any of this.

He felt horrible. Horrible. He just couldn't let it happen again, the moment he would stop then so would Eirika. And then what would that mean, he would never change. He would never at least enough and have anyone around like Eirika again. Who only wanted to help him.

Connor could reject the help and feelings all day, but that wouldn't do anything but push the one person who really wanted to be a part of his life and share things.

The only one who would really understand.

He was sorry.

He took out his other arm. Released his hand gently so he could use that one. He couldn't think of anything else to do. He couldn't let it all fall through his fingers, whatever it was.

Eirika would then find herself in his arms, pulling her close softly. He only softly also placed his cheek on her head.

"...No, do not apologize. There is no need for you to do that..."

Edited 2013-07-13 22:35 (UTC)

She'd not expected it. She'd not known to expect it. Was it unlike him? Perhaps not. Perhaps he knew her entirely too well. He recognised too many of her traits and knew she could distance herself just as easily as she gave into her compassion.

So when he drew her to him, there was a distinct moment where she had considered chiding him for just such a motion. But if she was demanding some openness from him, then she owed it to him to grant him the same. That meant letting him hold her in that way that...

Well. It didn't feel like something as mere as a friend embrace. It confused her, really.

Her arms reached up after a moment and carefully her fingertips splayed against his back. "I was too hard on you," she admitted gently. "I know better than to act that way. I cannot expect so much of you. I'm aware of that. That is what my apology was for. Not my words, only the vehement nature behind them."

It wasn't a mere friend embrace.

It was an "I don't even know how I feel but it's a strong feeling" embrace. The thing that was only reserved for the very special. Never had he embraced anyone. Not like this. Not like ever. He just didn't want to disappoint her. To push the one who only was there for him, with no malice or selfish needs.

He didn't understand his own heart, the embrace. In a nutshell.

"No...I am-" Pause. "I am very grateful. Thank you."

He didn't know how she would interpret all of that. He just said it.

"...For everything."

What are you doing, Connor? We are as ice and fire. I wonder if you have ever noticed it.

She flushed. Very easily. He didn't need to thank her. There was nothing to thank her for. Or she simply wasn't good at accepting his gratitude. Because normally he didn't say things. Normally there were just looks and a look was something she could ignore or avoid. Words required acknowledgement.

"I..."

She held him a little tighter, unsure of what to say, and decided in her own right that she could hold him in the same fashion, knowing Connor wasn't just a friend, but that there were words she couldn't say. For there was definitely a fear of what his response would be if she tried.

"...adore you."

Or perhaps any filter for words could just be forgotten, because she honestly couldn't think of anything else to say. At least she could be honest.

I adore you.

That comment went a few thousand times in his head it seemed.

The little voice in his head tried at him again. He shouldn't be doing this. It was wrong. Boundaries. Including your own. You should know better. Etc. Etc.

Connor swiftly told his brain to shut up. Keep telling it. Over and over.

He didn't care anymore. How scared he was of this especially. This was so scary...but Connor's heart felt...happy? He couldn't explain it.

And then she said she adored him.

Adored. Adoration. That could mean a lot of things.

What words could he say now? He didn't know, once again. Typical.

...But he held her closer to him.

...Eirika. I am not something you should be adoring, but I cannot say that. Not here, not now. I cannot bring myself to. As much as I disagree with myself right now, I want you to know that I hold you at a high pedestal. That is the most important thing right now, I want you to know that. I just do not know how to say it.

The lack of denial or refuting on his end did make her feel a little better. Slightly. But she also felt like she had to do some explaining for his benefit, because she couldn't let him think something that wasn't true. But what was there to clarify, really? How else could one define the term 'adoration?' There were too many different ways to say it, she thought.

She continued to let him hold her as close as he was, unsure if there was ever a time someone had done that. Seth had held her a good deal of time when they fled from Renais as it crumbled. But that was then and it was an entirely different circumstance. It had very little to do with adoration. Just protection. Perhaps more for Seth's peace of mind than hers.

A flicker of concern touched her gaze as she suddenly tipped her chin up, "I didn't say that to make you uncomfortable. I wasn't trying to-" As she tried to reign in her composure once more, "I mean... It's why I may seem a little hard. It's just because I worry about you as much as you worry about me. You want me to be open with you, but I need you to be open with me too. If you aren't, I feel like it's... not fair. And I understand things aren't always going to be fair. I don't expect you to tell me everything, but even I can tell when you're holding back."

Leaning back enough, not to draw away from him, but rather to set her hands to his forearms carefully, "It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or even months from now. You can wait years to say anything if you wish, but..." Eirika tipped her head and she drew in a sigh. "I'm sure you understand. I probably didn't need to say anything to begin with. I would like it if I never had to hide anything from you, and I need to understand that you are not me."

Maybe Connor knew he wasn't being fair. No, he probably wasn't. He looked at Eirika very sadly.

He had every excuse and justification in the book. He never had anyone who cared. He was brought up to keep it all in and together. He didn't want to dwell on things longer than what was expected of him as a warrior, no, as an Assassin. The Assassins, being completely secret.

That and much more, but the more Connor thought them through...the worse he felt. They were excuses. Eirika deserved more than excuses. And the moment he tried to once again share one of them, Eirika was back away once more. Causing another argument, which he really didn't want now at all.

His head dropped, and not truly realizing he was leaving his forehead against the top of hers as he back off enough to also leave his arms on her own forearms.

"You are right, I am not you," he said. "But that is a terrible excuse, you deserve better than that. If I was unfair to you...I cannot beg for you to forgive me for that. I cannot beg for you to understand me, or even try. As much as I try to understand you, you try to understand me."

Softly, more words after that.

"You are a kind-hearted...strong woman, who I could not even dream of having by my side as you are. It is..." Pause.

"...A blessing."

It was a surefire way to catch her attention and keep her quiet, even if he'd done it unintentionally. The moment his forehead met hers she was silenced because that was a foreign gesture and she was too busy trying to figure out what it meant, what the significance of it could be. But he spoke and she forgot what it was she was attempting to understand about him.

She wanted to get a better look at his face, but with how close he was, each time she tried, she was pretty sure her eyes were beginning to cross. She remained stationary, as close to him as she'd been before, having somewhat surrendered to how he held her - at least for the time being.

His words hit her very hard. Words were powerful, and Eirika knew that. Words could sway hearts and they could sway even kingdoms and countries. Words could and would likely decide her entire future, and for that reason, she had come to not only rely on them, but to be the best spoken woman she could possibly be. And it had been a little harder with Connor, who rarely used words for moments like these.

He was trying. Was it... his own form of compromise? Hers to take more action. His to be attempt a slightly more talkative outlook toward her. It... seemed like compromise. Had they meant enough to one another to bring that to fruition? It certainly appeared that way.

It was all very moving and so stunned into silence that she almost felt stirred to the point of tears. Almost. At least she'd thought that she was. All she really knew that her heart was twisting up again, which was always remarkably painful, and somewhere behind anything he might say, was the reality of the situation. And she was trying to pretend that reality wasn't there at all, even knowing that she'd eventually have to go back on her words to him.

And not by her choice at all.

"Connor..." was her initial reply as she tried to put her words together. "You never had to ask for me to be here, or to stay. I wanted to. I always wanted to. As long as you have want for me, or need, then I'll stay. You... are just as much a blessing to me."

Compromise.

That was what it was...wasn't it? Connor was trying to give Eirika someone that he hoped they could work with.

Connor was an honest man, but that didn't mean it was easy to express any real feelings that were all that deep. This was going far out of his comfort zone and he expected perhaps Eirika to be unhappy with him. He felt like he was just disappointing her to the point he knew he had to do something...or else things would grow sour.

So it was true, he really cared about her. He cared about her that much. He moved his head up again so he could look at her square in the eye.

"Eirika...as long as we reside in the same world, you are always welcome to me. It is an honor. You should know that, if you need me as well."

Wow.

That hurt a little. Him hitting on something she didn't want to think about or talk about. She blanched. Briefly, anyway, and the fretting on her insides that she had attempted to promptly squash down and ignore came up full force and felt like it completely consumed her. But it was all on the inside, for aside from how she paled, no part of her expression gave any indication to the impact his pointed words had on her.

Not the words that echoed through her mind, anyway. "...as long as we reside in the same world..." And it hurt more, because she still knew it was fleeting. So it was so ridiculously foolish to get attached to someone she knew she couldn't stay with. When she thought about it like that, she felt her composure break just enough to warrant her discomfort and she looked aside, unable to meet his eyes.

But it was only temporary, for when she did put her gaze back onto his, she offered him a nod, as if to say she understood what he said, that she accepted it, and she offered up her words as well. "I need you, Connor."

Please don't leave me to myself just yet. Please stay for just a little longer.

The words she gave him alone, though few were the most powerful ones she could give. Her, the princess of Renais, admitting that she needed him. Admitting that she was relying on him. It contradicted so much of her desire to do everything independently.

Edited 2013-07-14 18:59 (UTC)

It hit him what he said. Maybe he shouldn't have put it that way, because now he feels that comment hitting him to.

No.

The present mattered. As far as he knew, he had tons of time. Take every moment and take it like it was your last, that was a common thing was it?

It was then he knew that he now found it hard to leave this place. Funny that he thought this place was a prison at first.

...Yeah, he'd have a hard time leaving. If he had a choice then...

And then she said those words.

I need you.

Connor's stomach went into knots like you would tie on a shoe. He thought about swallowing hard, getting scared...but then, somehow.

Just like that.

There was an array of confidence. What was he trying to find here again? Comforts. Purpose. In more than one way. One place.

It is then as if Connor looked like normal, in a glowingly strong confident way. Like he had some strength. He knew deep inside, that was hard for a woman like Eirika to say. Because he knew she could handle herself. He believed that with all his heart. And he wanted Eirika to know that he was there, strong when she couldn't be. And she would when he wasn't.

"Then I will stay. For as long as you need me."

That. Was....

She heard him. Quite clearly. And it sounded unreal. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. If she thought her words were quite definitive of her sentiments, then Connor's were... equal in strength if not more so. In fact, she felt as if she was withering at the very concept.

"Then I will stay. For as long as you need me."

She was... both overjoyed, to the point that she did think her heart might burst, and incredibly... Judgmental of herself. As if she felt he shouldn't be saying such things to her. But if she wanted to play that card, then she would have said some time before how very inappropriate it was for them to have that conversation.

Or as always, she was doing the same thing she'd always done. It was only ever okay when she did it, and it was never okay when he did. Because she always had to do everything. Except his words were telling her that she didn't. That it wasn't her obligation. That she didn't need to. That he would be there.

He would be there.

He would... be there. For as long as she needed him.

And she found she had no words. Nothing worth to give to him. Her right hand lifted and slipped over her mouth as she eyed him. And it was about that time that she realised she was... crying. At least a little. Shedding tears, at the very least, which she quickly tried to brush aside. It didn't seem a very good replacement for words, but it did seem to be all she could do.

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/dumps self-indulgent arpee all over this comm

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